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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Codex astartes: deleted scenes.

It's no secret that me and Roboute (Robot? Rowboat?) Guilliman go back a long ways. Some 10,000 years ago, while mister Robot was writing his masterpiece, he ran his articles through me, to make sure what he put on paper was actually part of reality, and made the most sense possible. Unfortunately, Rowboat was a drinker, and a bit of a partyshark. With all those hookers and blow, mistakes were bound to happen - such as the whole 'marines get no freetime, because daddy never gave me any freetime!'

Upon his passing (retirement into stasis forever, so he could party like it's 39,999 until the dawn of time, and would never again have to listen to the whiny brats known as scouts), he entrusted me with his complete works.

Contrary to popular belief, the codex astartes was originally supposed to be a set of very handy, tongue-in-cheek guidelines, but when cocaine entered the picture, the original purpose was lost, and we ended up with that huge tome called Codex astartes.

This is the original version. Just a rough draft of, course, but history must be preserved for the new generations.

"Yee who dare enter within these sacred walls, heed thee wisdom of the ancients as it is written, but see past the mere limitations of words and bold statements.

1) thou shalt ne'er dismount from thy sacred steel coffin. Doing so is equal to doing the enemy's work. He cannot hurt thou until he hast dismounted thou power armored asses from thy rhinos, and all thy most fearsome weapons are usable from thy blessed rhino hatch of potent power and might.

2) thou shalt fear no evil, for thou ist fear incarnate, but thou shalt not let this power go to thine head. Thou shalt respect the enemy as thou respect thy own forces, for arrogance leads to your downfall, and the swift loss of massive chunks of thine army to 'only lasguns,' and 'puny long-ranged meltaguns,' or 'that immobilized chaos dread in the corner.'

3
) while thine sacred, holy, blessed space marines are an elite force, the likes of which has ne'er been seen prior to, or since, strength is still to be found in numbers, for while a single squad of thine most esteemed sternguard will fall versus 20 chaos marines, 3 squads will not.

4
) thou shalt ensure thou uses the enemy's strengths and weaknesses against them equally. If your foe is strong up close, you will prevent him from getting there. If he is slow and plentiful, thou wilst thin his ranks with potshots, while biding thine time to lay into him with tankshock, sacred heavy flamer, and assaults on your terms. If he is powerful at range, you will drive towards him most fearlessly, making careful use of terrain, smokelaunchers, the superior armor value of thine vigilant and invincible predators, and bunkering up where his guns are the thinnest. If his numbers are few, but strong in spirit and of body, thou shalt focus fire on one unit at a time, until it is no more. if the enemy is fast, you will present him with a wall of rhinos shielding thy sacred space marine infantry, and careful placement and redeployment to make his valiant efforts for victory futile.

5
) thou shalt not, under any circumstance, allow the vile enemy to have her or his way. If faced with a charge from 20 ork boyz, thou shalt famously unload thy blessed boltpistols and free flamer into their ranks, and thereafter take the charge most gloriously and defyingly, denying them the initiative, all charging bonuses, and catching the enemy commander unprepared, for yours is the gear, the profile, and the abilities to turn certain death into certain victory.

6
) thou will fight on all ground, in all terrain, on all fields of combat, and thou wilt do so with stubborn cunning, and the unrelenting, unlimited imagination held by all human beings. Thou wilt use the pieces of the board for all they're worth, and attacking the flanks of any entrenched, isolated firebase with no doubt or hesitation in mind, for it takes a lot of autocannons to guarantee the kill of even a single rhino, and thou wilt field at least 4 at all times.

7
) the only way to waste firepower is to be out of range.

8
) thou shalt always hold the intiative. Thou shalt press on, and use thine forces expertly, while applying pressure to the enemy from the flanks, the rear, and the front - anywhere it is possible. Thou shalt never remain immobile, for giving up thy movement is tantamount to rolling over like a bitch, and presenting thy previously mentioned power armored ass to the enemy.

9
) thine space marines are few in numbers, yet strong and reliable. They will hold the line where lesser men may not, and survive firepower that would render any ordinary squad dead. Thou shalt trust in thy power armor, thine krak grenades, holy boltgun, boltpistol, and thine most underestimated frag grenade, for few of the foe's elite are as royally equipped as thine grunts, or as capable of using them.

10) thou shalt learn to appreciate a very powerful, versatile, unfocused profile, for yours is the strength and power of three lesser men, contained in one package. Where a man may be exceptional at shooting or combat, thine grunts are capable of both in equal measure, and blessed with the gear to make both a reality.

11
) while a plasmagun will ignore thy power armor, it will not ignore thy high leadership, or thy sacred cover save. Unless you elect to fall back, you will hold most stubbornly on a consistent basis.

12
) cowardice does not exist. The popular sentiment is 'he who runs away lives to fight another day.' This is not so. He who runs away lives to rapid fire bolters against the foe that made him run away.

13
) knowledge is power, but power is useless if it's not being put to use. Study thy opponent's tome of lore and wisdom. Read it again, closer. Put the words to mind, so thou wilst not hesistate that destroyers are indeed toughness 5, and a krak missile thusly wilst not inflict instant death on eet.

14)
thou shalt ne'er do the opponent's work for him. While the lesser races, such as eldar, are wont to kill their own units with Yriel's eye of death, you know better. Thou shalt not ever, under any circumstance, nuke too close to your own units, or 'assault' with a depleted 3 man tactical squad - no! For that tactical squad shall hide inside the nearby, immobilized rhino, so that thy foe has to dig them out to score the killpoint, and make thy 3 space marines stop firing bolters.

15
) though it may take a lesser foe 10 shots fired to damage armor, thy space marines bring melta, and thy blessed profile gives thou a significantly higher chance to score hits, cutting the necessary firepower down considerably. Thou wilst not forget this, for it is the mark of a fool to focus too little or too much dakka and manpower on the task of destroying a single chimera.

16) thou shalt not load up on tactical marines, for it weakens your army immensely. Thine two mandatory meltabunkers are plenty, and thy further troops slots shalt only ever be employed in case thou needeth more plasmaback or assbacks."

6 pinkments:

Kirby said...

No wonder he went insane if he wrote that o.O lol.

Lord Zorgatron said...

Nice to see the term 'Assback' made it in there :D Great read once again

Bigbaboonboy said...

Spot on! Much wisdom for those that can see past the jokes and much joke for those who already have the wisdoms.

I vote for Rowboat (or perhaps just 'The Boat'?) as the official pronunciation from here on, although I often hear Roboououououueeee.

VT2 said...

If you want to beat in hardcore knowledge, you have to make it fun.

chaosgerbil said...

I also appreciated the word "assback."

Power of the Machine Spirit said...

Best. article. ever.

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