Dreadfleet has sunk

Alas, we hardly knew ye. Now rot in your watery grave, you unasked for boat game.

It's official.
Dreadfleet sank. In order to deal with unwanted, impossible-to-sell stock (of a 'limited edition' game), GW recalled all its own caches. As you're reading this, they're being chewed apart by industrial machinery, or burnt to lovely crisps of plastic and fancy cardboard.

This might seem strange to some, but destruction of stock is usually a far better solution than cutting prices. Well, if you're selling a luxurious brand. So not 'boats with skulls, the limited edition game.' Yeah.
Let's not question GW's bruised ego, however. It's very likely they did this to make use of some tax evasion trick, because - as we all know - modern GW will never cut prices, hold sales, or heavily discount slow stock that's sucking up space in their warehouses.

Manus sez: SWOT, my bitches.

Manus is a debased alcoholic, who's also a heavy user of internet forums and chatboxes. Some would say his need to troll is unhealthy, but I believe any addiction can be turned towards productive, positive contribution - with the proper mentoring.

I'm alive.

"Rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated."

Back in early april, I moved aparment. Now it's early september, and there's still issues with lighting, furniture, stuff, tables, chairs... So empty here, it's almost as if I never moved in at all, and have been squatting ever since.

Shocker of shocker, this has caused a fair bit of ongoing stress. Stress leads to writer's block, and writer's block in turn leads to decreased income. Decreased income, to no one's surprise, leads to more stress.

In short, I'm around, but things are hectic.
Email correspondence remains unaffacted.

"But what about grey knights?" In progress. Remember that huge bible for vanilla marines I did? That thing took some five months to write, and since the grey knight one's looking to be much larger, well - it's gonna take its time, that's for sure. Multiply that by the issues above, and you have the explanation for the delay.

But I'm around, and alive.

Forumitis special edition: "The bandwagon!"

A special episode of forumitis, largely brought into existence by this: http://www.belloflostsouls.net/2011/07/editorial-bandwagon-armies.html

When everybody got Iphone4's, did you rage about bandwagoning, holding aloft your original Iphone from 2007 to the heavens, or did you whine, loudly accusing everybody of being idiots, while proudly picking your old Nokia with black-and-white monitor from your pocket, ranting like a crazy person to 'the new kids' that as long as you know how to use it properly, you don't need all this new, cutting-edge tech, internet access, or even color displays?

Forumitis: "Warmachine is the second coming of Jesus."

Why I don't like warmachine, by VT2.

-

I don't like the tiers system. I don't like the way characters work, and I hate the mechanics. This means the game's a tedius exercise in annonyance and boredom for me.

If you're a non-believer, like I am, I'll need to explain these 'characters' and 'tiers,' and 'mechanics.'
Warmachine is centered around uber-mega heroes, who aren't uber, or that heroic - in fact, they're quite, quite bland, and on their own, they're little more than magic machineguns. Some are regular machineguns, and a few, unlucky bastards want to hit people with their gunblades.

Forgeworld: CONTEMPTOR(!) PATTERN(!) DREADNOUGHT(!) review.

It's some kind of ugly dread. I say 'ugly,' because it doesn't look at all like the boxes with stilts of the last 30 years.
So is it a good walker?

Let's not get our hopes up, shall we?

It's a...a...

Chocolate salty stars.

Deathstar.

The name itself is enough to make people laugh these days. In the olden days, the term was used to refer to ultimate bricks (4th edition marine command squads, with three characters), killing machines that, realistically, just couldn't be stopped (nob bikerz), and other assorted stupidity. "Like?" Early 5th, three ironclad dreads.
Yeah, we've come a long way since.

The key thing behind 'deatstars' is points-denial. If you can't kill it, you won't get the points, yes? So if we're playing killpoints, and I have three 500 points units, versus your 1500 point army, that's magically given me an advantage, right? Maybe? Kinda?

6th edition awesomeness.

In the grim darkness of the 2nd millenium, there is only butthurt. Once butthurt meets insanity, rumors are formed, and forevermore will the internet's collective rear hole quiver in tense anticipation of what's to come next.

There's no time for logic, no sources, no critical thinking. There is only rumors...

* first 6th edition codexes, but release before or with rulebook, small release with single or two waves: Black Templars (1 waves: 2x plactic, 2x Finecast), Tau (1 wave: 3x plastic boxes, 4x Finecast), Necrons (2 waves) - Except this goes against all wisdom and knowledge ever, breaks company tradition, and circumvents the GW cashcow: the space marine. Marines are always the first to get codices, with multiple reasons for it, however, the only one that needs to be listed in this case is: money.

* first real 6th edition codex: Codex Chaos Legions, really big release in three waves, doesn’t invalidate Codex Chaos Space Marines which gets extensive White Dwarf update as Codex Renegade Space Marines - Marines are first. You know this. I know this. Your mom knows this. All this whine's defanged right here, at the point, but we'll go on for fun and games. My serious face just died, too.

Grey knights FAQ and rulebook changes?

Oh, wow, don't tell me GW worked really fast, didn't screw anything up majorly, and there was no nerfing of the highest order? What? You say that's the case!? Unthinkable!

Well, I'm gonna assume they forgot to address obvious and utterly insane claims, such as Coteaz using his magic to unlock unlimited henchmen units. Oh, they got rid of that, too? Then this is must be one of those rare times GW's done everything right.

Let's take a brief look.

Citadel finecast? DRAIGOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm holding in my hand some of the 'new' Citadel finecast miniatures, and they're just as meh as expected.
They're basically the exact same metal models we all loved to hate, but in a lighter, brittler material.

As you can all clearly see, the 'hip' thing is collectible clamshell packaging, much like what certain other companies do.

"So what're the models like?" Complete clones of the metals they're replacing, but on little sprues. If you've ever bought a forgeworld kit, you know the deal.
Lots of flash, lots of 'bonus' resin, sometimes tiny bubbles, the worst smell ever, and sprues that aren't always fully formed (the sprue itself, not the components on it).

Evil has a name, and it's called capitalism.

Capitalism is the driving force powering modern day Earth. It's everywhere you go, in all walks of life, and cannot be stopped.
Money is the root to all evil, greed is power, power comes from having money, women times square equals time, and time is money - therefore, women are evil.

The main attribute of capitalism is a lack of fair play.

This shouldn't be news to anyone. Business, both large and small, need to make money to make product.

You know this already, but like a good economist, I waffle on about things that don't matter, simply so I can sell my product (words) to you at a high price (time), but go about it in a way (humor) that makes you want to recommend my product to a new market (your social circuit). This is where GW's latest plan fails.

Chaos Space Marines Codex Review: Summoned Daemons

There is a slight chance you didn't even know the Chaos codex has Daemons, but it has. Let's get on with this right away.

Summoned Greater Deamon

VT2: They cost almost nothing, but don't let the price tag fool you. It's one of the book's biggest traps.

100 points, you say? Well, it is much better than the other things available, so why isn't it used more?

Oh, let's see.

No 3+ armor save, need to pay the huge-ass points for a champion to possess (easily +30 points on top of the greater demon), wait until at the very earliest turn 2 to have a 50% chance of bringing it into play, and when it gets in, initiative 4 and no grenades make it bad at combating things. 4++? Shove it. My marines get a 4+ from cover.

4+ means nothing if you're expensive.

Lash prince costs 155. Greater demon is 100, plus however many points you blew on your champion(s). Better take multiple champs, 'cause if they're all dead when the demon rolls in from reserve, IT DIES AUTOMATICALLY.

Chaos Space Marines Codex Review: Heavy Support

Obliterator Support! This is like somebody telling you what you're getting for Christmas, except that this isn't a surprise but the cruel reality almost everybody is aware of. But that does not mean we're slacking of by not doing a complete Heavy Support review, we just did: Read on and get excited.

Chaos Havocs

VT2: Evil devastator squad, but just as bad. As expected, no special rules.

Four dudes can have big weapons, with a twist. Those four dudes can take special weapons instead. Oh, momma.

When the book was new, you had little kids everywhere creaming their panties at the mere thought of massed plasmaguns, but because this is planet earth, we now know that's a terrible idea.

Every single heavy weapon's terribly overpriced. 20 points for a missile? 15 for a heavy bolter!? Dark angels bad. Oh, yeah, and no plasmacannons, multi-meltas, or anything special in the selection, bar autocannons - which, at 20 points, are way, way too expensive for their own good.

What you do is, you take squads of five, load them up with two flamers and meltaguns each, put them in a havoc launcher rhino, and drive towards the enemy's guns. Dead serious.

The manly alternative to this deranged, fluffy use is 3x20 guys with four autocannons per squad.

OH MY GOD! HORDEY INFANTRY WITHOUT FEARLESS, STUBBORN, OR ANYTHING AT ALL TO COMPENSATE!!!!

Chaos Space Marines Codex Review: Fast Attack

This one will be short, but that's not really our fault. To tell you the truth: I was about to start writing on the Heavy Support section when I suddenly realised we didn't do the Fast Attack yet... And no, that's not because we're looking foward to the HS review. Allright, let's not make this any longer than necessary.

Chaos Bikers

VT2: Delicious, suicidal bikers.

No longer get a badass blurb in the codex.

Number-time:

3 bikes, 2 meltaguns = 119 points.

Terminators still only cost 105.

Don't take this unit.

Zjoekov: The only thing what is really wrong with this unit (from a competitive point of view) is its cost. It's a shame though as this unit would have helped the codex to a great deal if it was priced properly. What it does, it does well: Suicide-melta and if that fails they still function as another target which you can force your oppenent to deal with right away.

Another comparison, with the Vanilla codex again:

2 MM attack bikes. 100 points.

2 Speeders with MM. 120 points.

Chaos Space Marines Codex Review: Troops

The Troops section of the CSM book. Very few books have 5 different kind of troops to choose from, especially not without the need to get a certain HQ choices to make that happen. Are they all viable options though? Read on...

Chaos Space Marines

VT2: No special rules, no powers, no unique gear, no cool items. These internet darlings are magical and great, simply because they have bolters, pistols, and combat implements - at the same time! Extremely exciting, isn't it?

So the evil, ancient veterans get nothing except holsters, but standard marines have three actual special rules. Right, Gav?

Squad can take one gun, but further guns require that the squad numbers ten or more models. Expensive champion, no multi-melta... Well, hey, at least they can shoot and charge, right?

Compared to terminators, these are ridiculously poor, and they don't stack up to their larger cousins, at all.

Five marines, one meltagun, and a rhino. 120

Yeah, uhhh, no, thanks. In some special builds, these shine, but in a general-purpose chaos army they don't.

Chaos Space Marines Codex Review: Elites

The Elites section! This is the most exciting part of many a codex, for Chaos it's not. But that doesn't mean we don't review it, we will as that's how we are: unselfish. Alrighty, let's start:

Chosen Chaos Space Marines

VT2: Pseudo-sternguard, in a sense. Also pretend-vanguard - really, really, really wannabe, actually.

The chosen themselves have your standard marine profile, with +2 to leadership. Man, the excitement - it gets to me! I don't think I can take much more of this.

Chosen can select guns. This is good.

Chosen can also pack combat gear. This is bad.

Good? Bad? Let me explain.

Being Chaos marines, all members come with the standard kit, but outside their boosted leadership, they offer very little.

A grand total of five dudes can lug around plasma-, meltaguns, or flamers - which is nice.

Too bad it costs a fortune, however, are the points well-spent? Sometimes.

Oh, chosen have a special rule to! Jesus, Gav! Must have worked your ass off to grant them 'infiltrate'.

If you want to, you can give five dudes fists, claws, power implements, combis and the ever useless plasmapistol. Uhh, don't do this. Why?

Even Dark Angel Veterans are 2 attacks base - unlike your chosen.

Chaos Space Marines Codex Review: HQ

Little introduction required here, this post will simply cover the generic HQ choices. Boy oh boy you can tell I'm excited can you not? No indeed I'm not, but as VT2 wrote his stuff months back (when he was actually funny now and then!) at least it makes up for some entertainment. Hopefully.

Deamon Prince

VT2: Budget monstrous ceature, with limited durability. Well for 110 points (10 more than a marine captain), you shouldn't ask for much.

Oh, hey - what's that under his 'wargear?' A special rule!? My god, Gav! I thought you completely forget about them.

Yes, boys and girls, out of the three core characters, only the prince has a special rule that's actually 'special.' So special, it was snatched up and made a USR in the following edition.

Despite all the whine and lawish praise the internet throws at this guy, there's not a whole lot to say. Wings, mark of nurgle. Alternatively, wings, mark of slaanesh, and lash. Fly around, annoy. Tank something. Kill a rhino.

Die to tactical marines, or sternguard, or stray shoota bullets. Turn 3.

Boo.

Chaos Space Marines Codex Review: special characters

Where on earth is this coming from? Well people keep asking for it apparently.... a complete Chaos Codex review. Somebody has to write it and in this case it'll be me - Zjoekov. It's going to be a bit of a special review though. Let me explain: VT2 already wrote quite some things on it, a non-complete review pretty much. I can't get myself to not using anything of it, so I'll simply be using quotes of his unfinished work along with my own. Sometimes I'll add a little to it when I think he's both correct and explained it well enough. This being said: Off we go, special characters first!

Abaddon the Despoiler.

VT2: Abaddon: more expensive Marneus Calgar. Potentially has lots of attacks, but ends up hitting himself once a game on average. Super-mega profile, which is great fun and all, but for 275 points, you'd expect him to augment your army. In addition to his ONE SPECIAL RULE THAT IS ETERNAL WARRRIOR UNDER ANOTHER NAME, Abaddon is really a self-insert of Jervis, modelled on the epic greatness that is X-men villains. Completely bland, boring, and unacceptably impotent.

Zjoekov: Little to add to this. I would be willing to accept that an expensive character only beats face, but not when he has huge odds of not doing anything when you get him to do his job. How to use him best? With Berzerkers in a Land Raider. Don't run him with non-fearless non-frag grenades Terminators m'kay? You want to prevent any real potential disasters.

Forumitis: "WAAAAAAAAAARD!"

 
'Finished Article!' - Please read again.
Warning! A huge battleship approaches!

"I don't like Ward. He spits on the fluff, all his characters are Mary Sues, and the rules he makes are all shit!"

"Waaaaaaah! Ward stole all the units no one used from the witch hunters codex!"

"OH MY GOD! HOW DARE HE ABUSE THE WORD 'PSY!?'"

The standing opinion of nerdculture as a whole is that Mat Ward ruined warhams FOREVER!!!! He's committing historical rape on the background, and it's our duty as fine, upstanding, high-born citizens to rise up against him before he destroys the venerable lore, sinking it further and further into the abyss of absurdity.
Could you ever take a game that has chainsword warriors seriously? I sure couldn't. That's unthinkable. Unspeakable, even. Chainsword warriors. You ever even heard of such a thing?

Come, now! Chainsword warrior's a god damn stupid name for a game. It's a game Ward could have invented.
Probably involve a lot of dice, muscular men, chainswords, starship trooper knock-offs, big guns, and 80's character design.

Now and then: grey knights

As you're doubtlessly aware, there's currently a lot of whining over perceived lack of specialization ('Waah! No S6! How am I gonna kill orks now!?'), powerlevels ('Oh, yeah!? You can do what? That's great, but lemme axe ya this. Are you a space wolf?'), and general crying and sobbing from the older generations.
Obviously, the sky's falling, and it's necessary we all take it very seriously, for the times are a-changing - but only for the most popular, unique, and 'expert' of all armies. Makes it twice as important!

Alternatively, point and laugh at the idiots.

Old demonhunters weren't merely old, but also very, very bad. It's true you could win with them, but you're then stuck with a terrible monobuild that all modern armies deliver hard smackdowns to.
Because Ward loves you, your old, pretend-good 'way of the water warrior'-style remains intact, but there are much, much better options now. You know, because some of us are tired of pretending.

"Why you gotta say that? Why you gotta attack my playstyle, man? It works fine at the local club!" It's not unique, competitive, or fun. It leads to guaranteed losses against anyone with even a shred of competence, because a tiny, tiny army, with tiny, tiny firepower, few tricks other than staying away, and limited ranged dakka, are all bad things

Also, very boring to play the exact same way every single game. In the trade, we call that 'the eldar way of war.'